As a gay woman who’s watched “The Puppy Episode” (Ellen DeGeneres’s 1997 coming-out episode of Ellen) countless times, I have had a crush on Laura Dern for much of my 27 years on this earth. In the episode, Dern plays DeGeneres’s romantic interest, and is the person to whom Ellen confides her sexuality. (Note: making your crush the first person you tell you are gay is a very gay thing to do.) Dern might’ve already known she’s a gay icon, but after last night’s Independent Spirit Awards in Los Angeles, she really knows.
Host Aubrey Plaza introduced the Gay Men’s Choir of Los Angeles by commenting that LGBTQ representation in film is “more important than ever.” She added, “while we do have some amazing queer films nominated tonight, we wanted to shine a spotlight on some of the gayest moments in other films that you may not have realized were gay.” Then, the choir began to sing about every gay thing in movies from this year.
The choir credited the following things for being gay: J.Lo pole-dancing to Fiona Apple, the title of the film Diane, Renee Zellweger’s entire press tour for Judy, and the kid from Marriage Story who “is obsessed with Halloween and loves his mom” (that one had Scarlett Johansson laughing).
And then came the lines that likely had any queer woman who loves Laura Dern in tears, scrambling for their diary entries from when they first saw Jurassic Park in the 1990s: “Laura Dern kicking her feet up on the couch” (sitting abnormally is a much-talked about queer trait); “Laura Dern ordering a kale salad” (some of us really love to talk about kale); and “Laura Dern dressed slutty in court” (no explanation needed). Then, the song finished with a chorus of “Laura Dern” over and over.
If I could add one more verse to that song, it would be Laura Dern screaming, “I will not not be rich” in season 2 of Big Little Lies, because that is some strong power-lesbian energy. But that was not a movie, so it’s fine that wasn’t in there, I guess.
Dern, who is very good at social media, immediately responded to the song on her Instagram. She posted the clip, in which she is visibly shocked and having the time of her life dancing to a tune about herself.
“Did this…really happen? Thank you @gaymenschorusla@filmindependent and @jtfirstmanfor making me realize how much I need a choir to go everywhere with me! 🤯♥️,” she wrote, thanking the song’s writer, Jordan Firstman, for putting the whole thing together.
Now, the next time another relatives asks me when I first knew I was gay, I’ll play this song. They’ll get it. (And if they don’t, at least I’ll have a good time.)