Trump’s Totally Chill Phone Conversation You Don’t Need to Worry About


President Trump Discusses Mueller Investigation In Rose Garden Of White House

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Cancel culture claimed another victim today as innocent phone calls between two buddies are now, apparently, not allowed.

It’s a sad day in America when you can’t ring up a friend on a monitored line and discuss quids and quos like a couple of Latin-speaking bros. We need to bring back the good old days where one dude could be like “Hey man, can I have some javelin rockets?” and the other dude could be like “Hmm, maybe. Say, unrelated, but do you think you could find any information on one of my enemies? LOL I’m so random. Totally fine either way.”

What we’re talking about here is a favor. The president of the United States was talking on the phone with the president of Ukraine and the POTUS asked the Ukrainian president for a favor. Like friends do. Nothing to see here. You know that movie A Simple Favor? It’s like that. President Trump is Blake Lively and President Zelensky is Anna Kendrick and just like in that movie everything turned out fine and no crimes were committed.


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Look at these two compadres! Neither of whom is trying to strong arm the other in full view of the world! No one is being held hostage here! It’s amazing that we’re making such a big deal about a phone conversations these two besties had in July instead of asking them what’s the secret to long-lasting relationships maintained over great distances. Play the BFF Challenge like a couple of YouTube stars! Give the people what they want.

What do the people definitely not want? Any further digging into this super nbd phone call that started being scrutinized after it was mentioned in a whistleblower complaint. It was alleged that Trump withheld aid from Ukraine in an attempt to get the country to investigate Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, and his dealings in the country. Rudy Guiliani, the Tekashi 6ix9ine of the Trump administration, went on TV and basically said “Yeah, that’s about what happened. Are we going to mad about crime now? Pfft. Grow up.” As pressure grows for the White House to release the full whistleblower complaint, the Trump administration chose instead to release the details of the phone call in a memorandum as a way of showing nothing untoward happened.

The memorandum, titled If I Did It by O.J. Simpson, is a transcript of the phone conversation assembled after the fact based on recollections by people familiar with the call. This call was so chill that we don’t even need exact words. Just general feelings. Emojis are fine. The call lasted 30 minutes but the transcript is only about 2,000 words and some have said that this discrepancy points to funny business, but I think it’s obvious that there weren’t a lot of words because much of the time was spent luxuriating in the comfortable silences that you can only get with your best friend. Trump and Zelensky were just lying on their respective floors saying “You hang up first, no you hang up first… Are you still there? OMG!”

What did make the cut in the memorandum is standard, run-of-the-mill friend stuff. Zelensky tells Trump that he stayed at a Trump Hotel the last time he was in New York, which is just helpful travel information and not at all suspicious. Think of it like this: if the La Quinta Inn was run by a mercurial maniac who only understood money and you wanted something from Mr. La Quinta, you’d drop some cash at his Inn. Simple.

The transcript summary also includes an exchange in which Zelensky told Trump, “we are almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes,” and Trump replied, “I would like you to do us a favor though…” and apparently this is getting everyone’s knickers in a twist. So, let me get this straight: Don Corleone can make someone an offer he can’t refuse but Don Trump can’t reply to a request about Ukrainian defense preparedness with a push to investigate Joe Biden’s son? Since when?! It’s called diplomacy. Ever heard of it?

This is totally a nothing burger. If the word nothing meant the complete opposite. Are we really going to get hung up on what words mean? In this economy? The House is getting super close to a formal impeachment inquiry which is, frankly, rude. You’re not allowed to impeach a president if he doesn’t want to be impeached. That was in Hamilton, I’m pretty sure.

I don’t understand why we’re even still talking about it, really. Isn’t it infrastructure week again?

We’ve got to turn this country around, folks. On behalf of powerful, petty people who love gossip and casual extortion, I am taking a stand! It’s like RuPaul says, “if you can’t criminally implicate yourself through sheer clumsiness and hubris, how in the hell are you going to criminally implicate somebody else? Can I get an amen?”

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